In what was considered a long-shot and hopeless bid for the 2018 All-Star break, Commissioner of the National Basketball Association, Adam Silver, announced Portland as the host of that weekend’s events. This goes against previous concerns regarding hotel space and bad weather while setting a new standard for future NBA All-Star events.
“I admit this is unprecedented,” says Silver. “I mean, we haven’t even decided on a 2017 site yet. But with the Moda Center being the first NBA arena with a retracting roof, and that feature set to debut in the 2017-2018 season, there was no way the NBA could turn down this opportunity.”
The new retracting roof was announced by the Portland Trail Blazers organization on April 1, 2015. While it is well-known that professional basketball is normally an indoor game played through fall, winter, and Portland’s often rainy spring, the City of Roses likes to be a little different. Going far beyond putting a bird on it or adding more hotels to the Rose Quarter area, Portland decided to upgrade from unique to daring.
The winning factor–artist’s rendition of the retractable roof, courtesy of the Portland Trail Blazers
“No NBA city has a retractable roof on its arena,” states Paul Allen, Portland Trail Blazers owner. “In fact, the other owners called to tell me it’s a stupid idea—the emails would have crashed my server if not for my professional background. I say to Hell with them—we got the 2018 All-Star Game and they didn’t!”
Portland lost a 2017 bid due to lawsuits surrounding a Hyatt Hotel that was to be built near the Rose Quarter. Hotel availability remains unchanged at this time, but Commissioner Silver seems unmoved by the problem.
“I am not going to let the hotel issue get in the way of this new All-Star experience,” says Silver. “I already reached out to the existing hotels, and they agreed to only book rooms to players, owners, spectators, and NBA leadership. ESPN and the rest of the media will be welcome to camp in one of Portland’s many inner-city parks.”
The expectation is that the 2018 All-Star game will be an authentic Northwest experience. “This will be our most rustic All-Star break yet!” exclaimed Silver. “No one is going to forget this weekend.”
Charlie Hales, mayor of Portland, sees this as a revenue-building opportunity for Portland: “Visitors never know how to use our parking meters, so our parking ticket revenue is going to go through the roof! Also, the All-Star game will create numerous temporary jobs in the city, giving Portlanders new opportunities beyond just working as baristas. I commend Paul Allen, his investors, and the Portland Trail Blazers for taking a substantial risk in adding a retractable roof. Weird is PROFITABLE, East Coast bitches!”
Job creation will continue after the All-Star Break, thanks to the featured roof. “The Moda Center will need at least one dozen new floor moppers to maintain safety as most of the NBA season is during our rainy season,” he explains. “That is 12 permanent jobs brought to the city of Portland!”
Roof renovations are being made through tax payer funds previously set aside for green bike lane paint and experimental road repairs using duck tape. The repairs are now delayed until 2020 in order to accommodate the new Moda Center feature.
Preparations also started so the Tom McCall Waterfront Park will be ready for media camping. Those accommodations will be managed through a special permit process, with extra arbitrary fees charged to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal. Fees start at $150 for a tent with a 10×10 footprint with extra charges imposed for additional square footage, flush toilets or makeshift showers.
“Portland has some of the most beautiful parks in the country,” states Silver. “They are normally day-use only areas so the media should feel very privileged that an exception is being made for them.”
Paul Allen is deep in planning this event and deleting hate email. He is confident that these developments will only open doors for the Rose Quarter and Portland: “I am enjoying this opportunity to put Portland and the Trail Blazers on the map in 2018. We are putting in other bids for opportunities that were previously unavailable to us before the retractable roof. A package is already being sent to the NCAA to host college water polo championships in 2021.”
If you made it through this ‘article’ without giving yourself whiplash from shaking your head too hard, thank you—and Happy April Fools Day!
I admit that I have not been able to play a good online prank since the time I convinced my friends that my horse got knocked-up by a feral donkey jack. So instead, I now troll off of other April Fools pranks. My gratitude (and apologies) to the Portland Trail Blazers, my favorite team since 1977. :)